The following is an excerpt from a series of stories I'm writing involving the unfortunate, and often humorous adventures of a tourist in America.
Toilet Trouble
As I continued on
my epic tourist venture around America I soon found myself at a truly unique
monument in the state of West Virginia. Known as the “Coal House” in a quaint
little town called White Sulphur Springs, it is the only building in the USA that is
made entirely out of, as the name implies, coal. I couldn’t fathom why somebody
would come up with a building like this, though I supposed it would be
efficient as its own power source in the event the electricity went out. Of
course then there wouldn’t be much left, so I guess that point is moot. At any
rate, I was not surprised to see no-smoking signs posted around the property.
Apparently the tourists could not be trusted to have the property’s safety in
mind!
Well, my touring
of the place was uneventful until, as it happened, I found myself in need of
using the facilities. The only problem was: there weren’t any. Being made
entirely of coal would seem to have its drawbacks in that there was no indoor
plumbing. As the pressure mounted I quickly sought out an employee whom I could
ask where relief facilities were. I soon found one, only instead of being
empathetic to my distress he simply laughed as though my needs were amusing.
When I continued insisting that I had to go he finally shrugged, handed me a
shovel and pointed at the trees on the edge of the property. I stared at him
for a moment, baffled by his response, but when I could get nothing else out of
him, I resigned myself and set off for the trees.
I couldn’t for the
life of me figure out what it was he expected me to do with a shovel. Did he
want me to dig up a tree? Was this a quest? A test of some sort for me to prove
my ability before he would reward me with the location of a bathroom? I’d heard
stories that these people in West
Virginia were a bit strange, but I hadn’t expected
anything like this. It was truly perplexing, requiring someone who clearly had
to relieve himself to dig up a tree, but as I had little choice I proceeded as
quickly as I could. I found a small, sturdy sapling and began to dig. After
about half an hour I’d managed to dig up all its roots and with a firm grip
around its trunk I wrenched it up from the earth. Then, with the shovel in one
hand and the tree in the other, I headed back to find the man who’d sent me on
this ridiculous errand.
It only took a few
minutes of searching to find him, and the look on his face as I came striding
up victoriously holding the tree and his shovel was truly satisfying. He stared
at me in unbridled disbelief, and I swear I’ve never seen a human mouth hang so
far open. In fact, it was so far open his voice must have fallen out because
for about a minute afterward he could only stammer and gasp and not even form
complete sentences. He rather rudely grabbed the shovel back from me and tried
to take the tree as well, but I was too shrewd for that. I told him he could
have it after he fulfilled his end of the bargain and showed me to the
bathroom. He stammered at me some more, clearly trying to come up with some new
task that involved planting trees and talking to a manager, but I would have
none of it. After digging in the dirt for half an hour I had to go more than
ever. I told him to honor our deal or I’d go right there on the floor. Finally
he sighed, exasperated and beckoned for me to follow. Around back we went and
some distance from the Coal House to a little building with a sign that read
“employees only.” He opened the door and gestured inside to where a very
welcome sight greeted my eyes: a proper toilet! I smiled and politely excused
myself to make use of it. Ah, quest complete!
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